A little while ago I tweeted the following tweet:
And ever since then I’ve had this idea for a post bopping around in my head and today I finally got around to writing it.
Please remember, this is all to be in good fun and I don’t mean any offense if I’ve made fun of your favorite caffeinated beverage.
What your coffee order says about you:
Black coffee: You’ve got your shit together. You don’t need to waste time with cream and sugar and nonsense. There should be a special line for you at the coffee shop where you can bypass all the people who are drinking coffee simply as some type of personal enjoyment and not as a vital life necessity.
Dark roast: You’re trying to say, “I’m intense, don’t f**k with me.”
Blonde or light roast: What are you even doing? Just get tea.
Coffee, cream and sugar: You play by the rules.
Decaf: You’re either old or it’s late at night. Any other reasons do not exist, decaf is Satan’s spawn.
Single espresso: You want to look sophisticated. Maybe you’re trying to impress someone or you just spent way too much money on dinner at a fancy restaurant and aren’t ready to see the bill. There’s also a good chance you pronounced it eXpresso.
Double espresso: You’re hungover and need some energy and something to wash away the taste of fireball whiskey and bad decisions.
Triple espresso: You’re a med student.
Vanilla Latte: You don’t really like the taste of coffee but feel the pressure to show up somewhere with a coffee cup. Either that or you need a prop for your next instagram picture.
Skinny Vanilla Latte: Same and before except you are feeling guilty about the last meal you ate.
Iced Vanilla Latte: You don’t actually know what is in a latte and probably don’t even really know what coffee tastes like. Lucky for you, most American coffee establishments just give you flavored milk when you ask for this, so you’re good.
Cappuccino: You used to drink lattes but have upped your game a little. You go glen coco. Either that or you have absolutely not idea what a cappuccino is but you’re on a first date and thought it would sound cool to order it.
A frapaccino or anything that prompts your barista to ask if you want whip cream on that: Hopefully a high school girl. Either that or you really need to reevaluate your life. Get out of the line, save us all some time and go to Dairy Queen
Pumpkin Spiced Anything- You’re probably write in a blog and are instagramming a picture of the drink as it comes out. There’s really no shame in this because pumpkin spice is delicious and don’t let anyone make you feel inferior about it.
Dirty Chai or Chai Latte- You were a journalism major and college and wear a pair of thick framed glasses. You ordered it from a local coffee joint which may or may not make good drinks but they have couches and a fireplace. You’re going to drink your chai while while sitting on said couch and reading a Pride and Prejudice because it’s your favorite book ever.
There you have it, what I think your coffee drink says about you! To see what was in my coffee mug, you’ll just have to watch the video. See what I did there? It’s called sneaky ploys to make you watch videos of me. So sneaky.